I try not to think about it.......Try not to get my hopes up. And then its late.That can only mean one thing. being late for nine days. But then the thing that you don't want to come finally comes. And when that happens I go in a state of zoning. Where nothing else matters, I am just going through the motions......but inside I am falling apart.
Why was it so late?? Did it happen purposely just to mess with me? To get me all excited and then have it all crash down around me.
It happens every month....I know that it has only been like 4-5 months of trying, but it feels like a lifetime.(I know that it is not like a year of waiting but I have wanted it for a long time) Brandon and I prayed before we even started. We asked him to let it happen when it was right. When he thought that we would be ready. I don't want to wait anymore. I just want it to come. I want to experience it.
Tons of questions come into my head......What if Brandon and I can't?? What if I never get to experience it? Never get to have one of my own? It could happen!
It is so hard. I get SO frustrated and don't understand why it just doesn't happen. How hard can it be. I am doing everything I know to do and still it does not happen. Some people have it happen so easily so they don't have to go through the waiting process.....The long process of maybe or maybe not.Which is so miserable! (I cannot take much more of this)
WHEN WILL IT BE TIME?
But once the shock leaves, we go back to the beginning of waiting.
I realize that I am going to be okay. God is on my side. I am trusting him, and knowing that one day it will happen. Yes! It will. But only in Gods timing. I try to make Gods timing, MY timing and thats not right........I am believing in him. He knows my heart. He knows the what Brandon and I are going through. And I KNOW that he loves me!! He is an Almighty God! So I will trust in the Lord with my all my heart and soul and mind.
God Bless
Stacey
I love you Stacey! You're post made me cry. You're right though. It's going to happen. It's going to be beyond perfect when it does. You're not going to have to "compete" with any one when it does happen. It'll be wonderful beyond words and you'll be in awe of the timing.
ReplyDeleteOh girlie, don't even think you are alone! I'm right there with you and I've met so many other amazing women through my blog who have gone through so much more. I will give you one bit of advice. If you go a year without success, both of you get tested just to make sure everything is ok. That way you know how to proceed. Either it's just timing - because that is a MAJOR part - or maybe there are some things you can do. God does know best, but he also gave us doctors :) I'm here for you if you need anything! Love you!
ReplyDeleteI know how much you want a baby and it will happen when the time is right. :) you and Brandon will be AMAZING parents and it will be special for the two of you.
ReplyDeleteStacey, I love you, and while I can't say that I know what you are going through, I can say that babies are gifts from God, and God is our Father as well and knows what is best for us. My friend Mandi wanted a baby for so long, and had quite a few miscarriages and almost left her man because of it. It's hard to go through this, but she relaxed and gave it completely to Him. Now she has a beautiful baby boy. Just relax, enjoy your husband, and continue praying and waiting, while having a happy heart. He will hear your prayer, like he heard Hannah's, like he lifted Elizabeth's shame for not having a child. It's up to him.
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